Category Archives: When things get crazy

January: Mike & The History of TP

(REMINDER: The White House Report Night has a Christmas party tradition: white elephant topics.  In other words, instead of exchanging  gifts in the white elephant fashion during our Christmas party, we all write topics on slips of paper and exchange those instead.  “The history of Toilet Paper” was the topic Mike received at the 2010 Christmas party.)

Mike’s report was as entertaining and educational as it was disgusting and shameless.  Going as far back in documented history as possible (589 AD), Mike belabored the point that using toilet paper has been repeatedly proven ineffective and unsanitary.  Many “tests” over the years have attempted to decide the best way to clean a dirty backside. (Surprisingly a  “well-downed goose neck” made the cut. Who knew?)

Besides the many “colorful” images in his power point presentation, Mike used a demonstration for a visual aid.  (And no….it isn’t as bad as it sounds.) He elected Ross to cover his hand with peanut butter and then remove the PB with toilet paper. He was given as much TP as needed as well as ample time. Tommy, then, was asked to both smell Ross’ hand for PB odor & touch it for any oily residue.  The TP left behind both. Then Ross was given a wet wipe, which completely removed any proof of peanut butter. 

As Mike’s wife, the one who is probably more sensitive to his “crossing-the-line” antics than any other, I still think this was his best work. (Horrific images, but a quality report nonetheless.)

I will leave you with a quote from Francois Rabelais that left us laughing, “Who his foul tail with paper wipes, Shall at his ballocks leave some chips.”


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Filed under History, When things get crazy

December: Melissa

**ATTENTION OCD READERS: Please have your ritualized hand-sanitizer comforts nearby, because you are about to read a December report in the middle of our February runs. I realize this is out of order, but to be fair, Melissa deserves her post. Also, these sort of things don’t bother me very much and I make the rules. (Well, these rules.)  So take a deep breath and pretend it is December…**

This is her second report, but to say Melissa gives “reports” is such a mundane, inadequate word for what she does.  Melissa’s reports are more like performance art.  Our very first Report Night she came and gave a dramatic lesson on giant squid.

From the squid’s perspective.

With the light’s out.

With a flashlight under her chin.

Frankly, everyone needs a little Melissa-flair in their lives.  But enough about squid!  Melissa began her report…in the bathroom.  We were not with her.  So across the distance of the White’s foyer (seriously, they have a foyer), we saw the light shining from the open doorway of the bathroom that kept Melissa out of view.  “YOU ALL ARE PROBABLY WONDERING WHY I’M BEGINNING MY REPORT FROM THE BATHROOM,” she yelled.  “AT OUR HOUSE WE HAVE A CHRISTMAS TRADITION OF PLAYING GAMES AND EATING FOOD ALL DAY LONG.  CONSEQUENTLY, WE ALSO SPEND MUCH OF OUR TIME IN HERE, AS WELL: THE BATHROOM.”  Then Melissa returned to the living room wearing a tweed jacket, a pair of glasses, and a British accent.  The bathroom had transformed her into Thomas Crapper, the supposed inventor of the toilet.

We learned soon enough, however, that Thomas Crapper really did not invent the toilet, he merely made it popular.   We also learned that the word “crap” is not a derivative of the name Crapper, but instead from the Dutch word “krappe.”  I am a fan of giving credit where credit is due (see our “Welcome!” tab), so for a comprehensive look at who deserves credit for inventing our modern and convenient flush-toilet, take a look at this.  Better yet, copy and paste the entry so you can print it and read it on your next friendly visit to the commode. 

*Next time we hear from Melissa, it will be on her white elephant topic “The Worst of 2009.”

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Filed under Biographical, Christmas, History, When things get crazy


I have fallen behind on reporting reports.  Apologies.  Maybe I will catch up on the missing December and January reports, but for now…

February recap!  There were only five of us in attendance, and while this cuts back on the variety of topics, it also gives more freedom to take time and discuss.  (Or in last night’s case: discuss, watch a Colbert video clip, discuss, and watch two episodes of Arrested Development with the hilarious Martin Short.)

If you’d like to enjoy some of our post-report banter, please click here to enjoy a video which stemmed from a conversation on the law Arizona is gunning-up for, Wild West Carry:

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Filed under Culture, Exposing "the man.", Film, TV, When things get crazy

Christmas Report Night

Before we get into the specifics, rules changed on Saturday in keeping with the Christmas spirit.  Everyone brought a Christmas goodie to share, had a holiday-themed report topic, and exchanged topics written on pieces of paper for a White Elephant gift.  After the topic exchange, we all twisted our metaphorical mustaches and assigned topics to four regular reporters who weren’t in attendance.  Next month we will look forward to hearing the properly researched products of the following (in addition to everyone else):

Tracey: The History of Nike

Tommy: Hidden Messages in Nintendo Games

Savannah: Never-nudes and Other Clothing Phobias

Ross: Manmilk: Mammary Glands in Male Mammals

(Needless to say, much giggling ensued over Ross’s topic.)

Without further ado….the topics!


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Full Monty John

Photo taken on Dhondi’s phone.

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Sixth Sense Technology meets Dhondi’s Frugality

(Image taken on Dave’s phone.)

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Filed under Photos, Technology, When things get crazy