**ATTENTION OCD READERS: Please have your ritualized hand-sanitizer comforts nearby, because you are about to read a December report in the middle of our February runs. I realize this is out of order, but to be fair, Melissa deserves her post. Also, these sort of things don’t bother me very much and I make the rules. (Well, these rules.) So take a deep breath and pretend it is December…**
This is her second report, but to say Melissa gives “reports” is such a mundane, inadequate word for what she does. Melissa’s reports are more like performance art. Our very first Report Night she came and gave a dramatic lesson on giant squid.
From the squid’s perspective.
With the light’s out.
With a flashlight under her chin.
Frankly, everyone needs a little Melissa-flair in their lives. But enough about squid! Melissa began her report…in the bathroom. We were not with her. So across the distance of the White’s foyer (seriously, they have a foyer), we saw the light shining from the open doorway of the bathroom that kept Melissa out of view. “YOU ALL ARE PROBABLY WONDERING WHY I’M BEGINNING MY REPORT FROM THE BATHROOM,” she yelled. “AT OUR HOUSE WE HAVE A CHRISTMAS TRADITION OF PLAYING GAMES AND EATING FOOD ALL DAY LONG. CONSEQUENTLY, WE ALSO SPEND MUCH OF OUR TIME IN HERE, AS WELL: THE BATHROOM.” Then Melissa returned to the living room wearing a tweed jacket, a pair of glasses, and a British accent. The bathroom had transformed her into Thomas Crapper, the supposed inventor of the toilet.
We learned soon enough, however, that Thomas Crapper really did not invent the toilet, he merely made it popular. We also learned that the word “crap” is not a derivative of the name Crapper, but instead from the Dutch word “krappe.” I am a fan of giving credit where credit is due (see our “Welcome!” tab), so for a comprehensive look at who deserves credit for inventing our modern and convenient flush-toilet, take a look at this. Better yet, copy and paste the entry so you can print it and read it on your next friendly visit to the commode.
*Next time we hear from Melissa, it will be on her white elephant topic “The Worst of 2009.”